Trying to escape

I’ve decided to try escape my bulimia hell. It’s been 6 months, granted it’s not as long as a lot of people’s but I don’t want to be this way any more. I’ve currently got a problem with the muscles around my ribs which could potentially be because of the bulimia. It’s incredibly painful I can barely move and I can’t lift anything and it hurts to take a deep breath in so I feel like I’m not getting enough air. Purging is incredibly painful and probably making it worse so I figure now will be the time to do this as last night I ate a lot and couldn’t get it up.

28th January: Today I had a plate of pasta but then later a big plate of rice. Currently feeling a bit panicky like I’ve put to much in me but I have to remind myself that it’s a lot less than usual a hell of a lot less. I think at the minute I need to avoid the shop because I don’t trust myself to not buy junk altho as lloyds have blocked access to my account as they’ve decided to close it and I have to go in in order to get my money my funds are currently very limited. 

29th January: managed to avoid binging mainly as I slept till 2pm and the shop shuts today at 4 just had a massive roast gammon dinner but that’s all I’ve eaten feeling a bit like I want to get it out but as I don’t feel overly full like I still feel like I could eat more like casual craving for chocolate but I can’t put anything else in me today or I’ll have a real problem. Tomorrow’s going to be a real test as I’m back to my mums and she tends to have loads of junk including chocolate which I’ll seriously need to avoid putting anything junky in my mouth. I’ll also be in town where there’s Poundland which is always hard to avoid. I can do it! 💪🏻

30th January: ok bit of a slip healthy eating wise. I had a weight watchers meal followed by like 5 bags of crisps and a banana but I suppose due to how little calories are in those weight watchers meals I can kind of get away with it. Feeling pretty guilty though but not panicking trying to get it out. Had blood test results today i didn’t really hear what she said on he phone but I think my cholesterol is high which I think maybe a bulimia based thing as I’ve never had that problem before. See the doctor next week for him to explain but high cholesterol can lead to heart disease soooo that’s fun. 

Update: I had trifle and hot cross buns and I had to get it out so I did. I feel so angry at myself. I’m such a weak person. I’m at my mums and she always has loads of junk and I’m struggling. Oh well tomorrow’s another day I guess. 

2nd march: after that one purge I was back to doing it daily however it has now been 9 days since my last purge which is a big thing but I’m really struggling today everyone in my life just seems to enjoy making me feel shit and I’m having a lot of cravings right now and feeling like just going to the shop and buying loads but I really need to hold off. Sleeping pills again tonight I reckon. Also purging so much for such a long time has caused a slipped rib which doctor didn’t see me for but chiropractor said that’s what it is she pushed it back to place but it’s come out again even though I haven’t purged just seemed to of mucked that up as well. Due to see a councillor at some point though although not sure there going to help me in 6 sessions we’ll see how it goes.

4th of march: it happened I binged and purged after not for a whole 11 days  n it’s not like I enjoyed the food i put In my mouth in fact I purged 3 times tonight. Just gotta be strong the good thing is that my taste buds have changed and I really didn’t enjoy the food I ate so back to healthy well try.

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